Location: Europe


The transsexual phenomenon

I have also searched for scientific publications, papers and books about crossdressing and transgenered people. I have read something from a crossdresser PhD psychologist once, and I tried to find it again. I had no success, but I've found something different:

Harry Benjamin, M.D.
He was one of the pioneers of transsexualism (you can read about him at this Wikipedia entry). He was the author of the book The transsexual phenomenon, originally published in 1966. This book can be read on the internet online. I haven't read the entire book yet, only the 2nd and 3rd chapter.

From the book: No transvestite should ever marry a girl without telling her of his peculiarity beforehand. It would be too unfair. Too many have not done so and paid dearly later on. Among Buchner's subjects, 72 per cent did not tell.

It was a deadly situation, risking everything we have done and we have in common, but I'm glad I've told her. My only fear is that I'm not the man she wants.

Perhaps a majority of transvestites' wives are willing to tolerate he husband's hobby, provided they do not have to see him dressed as a woman.

I wonder if my parter would ever agree at least in this. I know, it is really hard to understand such a request, but for an outsider, it is not imaginable the desire, the need, the urge for dressing like women.

Emphatic among present-day writers as to a supposedly nonsexual nature of transvestism is Charles Prince, Ph.D., who himself is a transvestite. He would like to see the term transvestism replaced by "femiphilia," indicating "the love of things feminine," and he believes that in this way much of the association between transvestism and sex may be eliminated.

It is very interresting for me to read about educated people, who are transvestite, and who are searching for some solution for this state. It unfortunate, that the word femiphilia cannot be found - except in this book - by search engines.

Books about crossdressing

I'd like to read some books about crossdressing.

The very first is My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing from the Perspective of a Wife from Peggy J. Rudd. "Dr. Rudd is a helping professional who reaches out empathetically to all crossdressers and their families. This book was created to provide factual information in an area of the behavioral sciences previously characterized by ignorance, fear, hostitlity and despair."

The second is Alice in Genderland: A Crossdresser Comes of Age by Richard J. Novic. "Alice in Genderland tells the story of Dr. Richard Novic, Harvard-educated psychiatrist and crossdresser. No memoir like it has ever been published. Most of the time, he is a man at the office or a husband and father at home. But one evening a week, she is a woman about town, shopping, dining, dancing, and involved with a man for over four years. And both wife and boyfriend know about each other. Although he now leads a richly expressive life, Dr. Novic suffered since childhood with a secret, a desire he was in no way equipped to handle, but one that eventually burst through his denial, a few months before his wedding date. Just once, he felt, while he still could, he had to know what it felt like to be a woman. Like Alice in Wonderland, his curiosity led him to fall headlong down a rabbit hole, through desperate straits, mind-opening surprises, heart-rending changes, and boundless love."

By searching amazon.com, I've found some very interresting titles, this one is pretty obvious to tell what it is about: Female Domination by Elise Sutton.

The first two seems to be very serious about the crossdressing topic, the third one is about fun :)


Crossdressing and family

I know it is hard to tell or show this in the family or between friends. Prejudice, fears from the unknown are everywhere. I came out only for my girlfriend, because if I want her to be my future wife, I have to be honest with her. She is with lot's of fears, and she cannot say anything about the situation. Everything is ideal between us, except that.

I could live with this hiding from my entire family, but I cannot hide it from myself. As my girlfriend does not accept it, I feel double guilt having these thoughts. This guilt will kill me, I simply can't stand it for long. I tried severel times to stop crossdressing, to search for something different, to be less stressful, but the thoughts, the desire to wear some women clothes are emerging again and again.

Let's face my possible future:
- if someone discovers a cure for this. I will be very happy.
- if there is no cure, and my partner is acceptive. I'll have some clothes and private time with my partner in them.
- if there is no cure, and my partner is neutral. I'll have some clothes, but I won't wear them in front of my partner.
- if there is no cure, and my partner is not acceptive at all. I could live with her in marriage, but I would hide my feelings and desires, sometimes my actual wearing her clothes.
- if there is no cure, and there is no partner at all. I could buy and wear clothes at home or in public sometimes. I could possible commit suicide, without a reason to live for and without the acceptance of the sociaty.

I'll keep fighting with my demons, but I'm very tired of it. I tried to stop this, tried to "be normal" for years, but this is not what I'm capable of. My hope is a life without guilts, at least, not hiding them from everyone. I'll keep posting my thoughts, feelings and theories about crossdressing. Stay tuned.

Crossdressing fantasy

My crossdressing fantasy is 90% sexual, and are often connected with sexual excitement. There are several stages from crossdressing to bisexual acts, morphing from one into an other, but I am confident that I'm not gay, and in the real life I do not want to encounter all of these actions. My sexual preference are woman, and only woman.

Self crossdressing is about freedom of choice, excitement and the probability of passing (= go to public undiscovered). I image an attractive, sometimes conservative dress, and image to go for shopping or traveling, being a tourist somewhere else in the world. This is the illusion that I could be someone else, someone who is just a visitor without id. I can take pictures and movies about myself, and nobody knows that I'm not a girl.

Forced crossdressing is about defencelessness. I'm a submissive male with 1-2 dominant women. We are having sex each other, but on one condition: every time I have to be more and more feminim (starting from the invisible parts e.g. g-string and stocking, throug the hideable parts e.g. bra to the obvious skirts and high heels). I have to go often into the public, shop clothes for myself in the women's department. The domination can be extensive (definitely not wanted in real life): I have to take extreme photo-shots, I have to show myself as women to my collegues, and I have to date, flirt and indulge men. Sometimes it is connected with forced womenhood and magical transformations.

I can't be transsexual, because I couldn't stand hormones and surgery, that means I'm crossdresser (or transvestite). Unfortunately these desires all not always sexual related. There are times when I'm watching women clothes, and I would say: "I'd be pretty in that".

Questions and Answers

Who are you?

I'm 23 years old young man, with strange feelings and desires. I'm a crossdresser, who likes to wear women clothes. It has started many years ago, probably at age 12-14, with the early puberty. I'm relieved and excited when I'm wearing women's clothes. More about my dreams later.

What do you want?

I want inner peace for myself, whatever it takes. I'm searching for professional help from everyone without prejudice. I'm searching for "cure" if there is any (and please: don't come with the bullshit "you can stop it if you really want", because I really want to stop it for years), or I'm interrested in any suggestions that can help bearing with this. I'm searching for the root cause, and how to solve it.

Where are you going?

I'm going mad. My phantoms are going to ruin me, and I can stand it. Hiding from everyone, inlcuding hiding from myself is very hard. I do not want female body, or any body modifications. I'm only after the illusion being woman, knowing I'm a man. I'm a lesbian: I like only woman, and I would look and be treated like woman.

Who do you trust?

My girlfriend. She knows it, but she does not accept me with all this stuff.